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Though I wasn’t woken up by Ruth Madoc chanting “Hi-de-Hi” over the tannoy, the brilliant Redcoats still exist, many of them as gay as geese and hoping one day to graduate to gigs on cruise ships. But what a tough job it is – the Redcoats organise the dances and evening talent shows, run the competitions, introduce the Girls Aloud tribute bands, and operate the Photoshoots With Angelina Ballerina. For all I know, they do the cooking, make the beds, milk cows and feed the hens. They are provided with their smart blazers, two nylon shirts, a tie, white trousers and (according to the guide book) “a plastic mac”.